(My) Kids Say the Darndest Things

JENNIFER: Good night, sweetheart. Sleep tight.
HENRY: Don’t let the bed bugs bite me!

•••

Jennifer enters bathroom to take shower, is followed by two “helpers”
HENRY: (throwing open shower door) Oh WOW, Mom, look at the shower! It’s beautiful in there!

•••

family is watching the Colts win
ANDY: Touchdown!
HENRY: Go Colts!
ELEANOR: Where is Brett Favre?

•••

Eleanor regularly talks in her sleep. Some of her recent slumber exclamations:

Good morning!

Kitty! Kitty!

Dad! Dad! There’s another one THERE!

No, I don’t want any yogurt! I don’t want any yogurt!

•••

Eleanor takes nap in play tent, Jennifer relays that fact to Andy
ANDY: So, Eleanor, I heard you took a nap in your tent today.
ELEANOR: You heard me snore? At work?

•••

JENNIFER: We need to make a dentist appointment to go clean your teeth.
ELEANOR: In the washing machine?

•••

At supper, Henry eats plate of spaghetti, piece of cake, bowl of strawberries, and Eleanor’s piece of cake
HENRY: (rubbing tummy) My tummy hurts.
Grandma picks up Henry’s plate, revealing large cake crumb on table
HENRY: Oooh! MORE CAKE! (pops cake in mouth)

•••

JENNIFER: So, guys, how old will you be on your birthday?
ELEANOR: (holds up three fingers) I’m three!
HENRY: (holds up three fingers) I’m W!

•••

Andy wipes Eleanor's nose
ELEANOR: What's that, Daddy?
ANDY: Oh, just a booger.
ELEANOR: My boogers are white. White like the snow.

•••

HENRY: Met-a-mor-forus!
JENNIFER: Do you know what metamorphosis means?
HENRY: (throws hands up in air) a BIG CHANGE!
JENNIFER: That’s right! Like how caterpillars change and turn into butterflies.
HENRY: And like tadpoles into frogs!
JENNIFER: That’s right! Good job, Henry!
HENRY: And mommies into penguins!

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(My) Kids Say the Darndest Things

Today is Delurker Day, in which blog readers are supposed to not just read but leave me a comment already, you Lurky Lurkersons. Actually, scratch that, go over to fellow Indy-dweller and mom DesignHER Momma's blog and leave her a comment. Today (you still have six hours—go!) she's donating $1 for every comment to Compassion International Haiti Disaster Relief Fund. All I can really promise you is to drink a Diet Coke for every comment on my blog.

So anyway, I know I just had a "ha ha ha check it out my kids are ridiculous" post. But Henry and Eleanor are at that wonderful age where I feel like I could transcribe everything they say throughout the day.

•••

JENNIFER: You guys look like you’ve grown.
HENRY: I grow and grow and get big and strong!
ELEANOR: I grow tall and drink your Coke!

•••

Henry, shaking his hands as if operating imaginary jackhammer
JENNIFER: What’cha doing, Henry?
HENRY: Breaking up rocks. (wipes imaginary sweat from brow) Whew! It’s a hard job, Mom.

•••

HENRY: My nose is a candle!
JENNIFER: Um, why is your nose a candle, sweetheart?
HENRY: Blow on it, Mom!
JENNIFER: (blows on nose, still confused)
HENRY: You blew the fire off of it!

•••

Henry and Eleanor cover boxes with blankets, begin hitting them
HENRY & ELEANOR: PONGA! PONGA!
JENNIFER: Are you guys playing bongos?
HENRY & ELEANOR: YEAH! PONGA!

•••

family watching Wheel of Fortune, Jennifer shouts out answer
JENNIFER: Acquired taste!
ELEANOR: I’M a acquired taste!

•••

JENNIFER: Henry, you need to help your father pick up your toys.
HENRY: He’s not my father.
JENNIFER: Oh, really? What is he, then?
HENRY: My DAD.

•••

HENRY: Where’s my toboggan?
ELEANOR: Where’s MY toboggan?
ANDY: I don’t know, and uh, how do you know the word toboggan?

(We’ve since figured out Caillou was responsible.)

•••

Henry and Eleanor haven’t learned to lie yet. This comes in handy when they’ve done things they shouldn’t. “Did you just hit your brother/sister?” “Yes, I did!”

My favorite recent example:

JENNIFER: Henry, did you just throw my booklight?
HENRY: Yes, Mom, behind the chair! (walks over to chair, makes toddler jazz hands in direction of booklight) TA-DA!!!!!!

•••

Kids and Jennifer eating lunch, Elvis comes on radio
HENRY: Who’s that? Who’s that, Mom?
JENNIFER: That’s “Jailhouse Rock” by Elvis.
HENRY: That man in bathtub!
JENNIFER: Okay?

•••

HENRY: (playfully pulling on Jennifer’s scarf) I pull you. I pull you, Mom, and break you. I break you in half like a Pop-Tart.

•••

ELEANOR: (asking for a snack) Mom! I want some Goldfish! I want some Goldfish and raisins! I want some Goldfish and pretzels, Mom! No, Mom! I no want Goldfish! I want pretzels!
JENNIFER: (muttering under breath) This is why I drink.

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(My) Kids Say The Darndest Things

Henry and Eleanor are pretending they’re kittens in a cage (i.e. laundry basket) while Andy and Jennifer are eating supper.
JENNIFER: I need to email Mom and make sure she knows that Jason got engaged.
ELEANOR: Jason got a cage?
ANDY: Well, that’s one way to put it, har har.

•••

Eleanor, sitting on potty chair
JENNIFER: Eleanor, are you all done peeing?
ELEANOR: I’m thinking, Mom, I’m thinking.

•••

Arriving home after playgroup
JENNIFER: Okay, let’s go in the house. We need to eat lunch and take our nap.
HENRY: No, I no want to take nap! I want to play. I want to play TOO MUCH.

•••

An Allstate commercial comes on TV
ELEANOR: (pointing to President Palmer) That my dad on TV!
ANDY & JENNIFER: Uhhhhh..is there something you need to tell us?

•••

HENRY: When I was a baby, I in your tummy.
JENNIFER: That’s right, you were in my tummy.
HENRY: I no baby any more. I Henry.

•••

As long as she's been talking Eleanor has talked in her sleep. One night this week I heard from her room, clear as a bell, "That’s fun! That’s fun, Dad! Wow!"

A daddy's girl, even in slumber.

•••

Jennifer and kids arrive at library story time.
JENNIFER: (pointing at various seat cushions) Pick where you want to sit, guys. How about the triangle? Or circle?
HENRY: I want to sit on the HEXAGON.
JENNIFER: Um, okay?

•••

walking down the stairs
HENRY: I smell meat! I’m Santa, and I smell meat!
JENNIFER: ????

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