You Know What, Tuesday? You Can Suck It.

Okay, so today wasn’t TOTALLY full of fail. We ran into friends at the zoo; my sister got quoted in the main section of the Star after I teased her on Twitter; the sun was shining; the kids were very fired up to eat their first tacos at supper tonight; I scored some great deals while out shopping. But I’m exhausted, itching, and possibly have roid rage, so I’m declaring today’s official mood as Grouchy.

Here’s what pissed me off to varying degrees today:

The maaaaaybe three hours of sleep I got last night, thanks to the horrible Poison Ivy from Hell that I’ve had for over a week and is trying to make me scratch myself to death, even after taking steroids and Benadryl and Ambien, often at the same time.

The kids chairs in the doctor’s waiting room that are right next to the Emergency Exit Only door, causing me to have to tell Henry and Eleanor “no, don’t touch that door” approximately every 1.3 seconds in order to avoid summoning the fire department to my appointment.

The awkward minute after my steroid shot where the nurse started jiggle-massaging the buttcheek she had just injected, without warning me or explaining why.

It somehow took almost two hours just to get a shot in the rear and a prescription for more steroids.

I promised Henry and Eleanor a trip to the zoo after the doctor, and when I got to the zoo I realized that oh, look, the zoo is incredibly crowded today, and hey, the stroller is not in the trunk like you thought it was!

Did you know that two toddlers not in a stroller or on backpack leashes often like to walk in different directions or at different speeds?

And that one of your toddlers (*cough*Henry*cough*) will melt down in the parking lot because you picked him up when he asked you to, and then you put him down when he asked you to, and because (OH THE HORROR) you insisted he hold hands with you in the parking lot? I mean, come on, how DARE you think of his safety?

I really needed a nap this afternoon, so of course the kids had screaming meltdowns during my attempts to place them in their cribs, and then they only slept for 30 or 45 minutes or so, just long enough for me to doze off for 5 minutes before waking up to them yelling “Sacre bleu!” at each other.

Sheryl Crow was performing on TV and seriously, why is this woman famous. Also, Hardee’s uses one of my favorite fonts, Franklin Gothic Condensed, in their TV ads, forcing me to associate those gross frat boys chomping on their stupid burgers with one of my beloved sans serifs.

Because I apparently did not look enough like a leper with the skin welts on my arms, legs, and torso, my left leg decided it must now be swollen around my worst poison ivy patch. This is very attractive.

I went bra shopping tonight to get out of kid-bedtime duty. What the hell was I thinking.

I got myself measured (because trust me, nothing goes back to the right place after giving birth) and the nice saleslady was all, “um, yeah, that size is pretty uncommon and hard to find.” So now I’m the proud owner of swollen Elephant Man Leper Leg AND Hard-To-Find Boobs.

I seemed to be under a speaker at all times while shopping, so was treated to Bruce Springsteen, “Have You Ever Really Loved A Woman,” and some weird reggae-in-the-middle cover of ABBA.

When I got home, Andy was already in bed sleeping despite the sun still in the sky. So I had to eat my mint chocolate chip ice cream on the couch all by myself, where there was no one to listen to me bitch about my day.

So that’s why I’m bitching to you. I’m sure you feel so honored.